Why Jealousy Hits Men and Women Differently (And Why It Still Sucks for Everyone)

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, you’ve met the green monster—jealousy.
You know the one.

It shows up uninvited.
It makes your stomach turn, your eyes sting, and your brain completely abandon logic.
It turns calm, reasonable people into suspicious detectives with wild theories and zero chill.

Jealousy sneaks up everywhere: when your partner laughs a little too hard with someone attractive, when they like a photo on Instagram, or when you’re just innocently scrolling through Facebook or Twitter and suddenly bam—your mood is ruined.

The uncomfortable truth?
Jealousy is completely normal. And even more normal is the fact that people experience it in very different ways.

Men, Women, and Jealousy: Is There Really a Difference?

For years, psychologists have debated a familiar idea:
Men tend to experience stronger sexual jealousy, while women tend to experience stronger emotional jealousy.

Recently, researchers from Chapman University and UCLA set out to test whether this theory actually holds up—and whether it applies beyond small, straight-only groups.

This time, they went big.

They collected data from nearly 64,000 people, including heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual men and women between the ages of 18 and 65. That’s one of the most diverse jealousy studies ever conducted.

Participants were asked one key question:

Would you be more upset if your partner had sex with someone else but didn’t fall in love, or if your partner fell in love with someone else but didn’t have sex?

The answers revealed some fascinating patterns.

The Results: Who Gets Jealous About What?

Among all groups studied, straight men were the only group where the majority (54%) said sexual infidelity would upset them more than emotional infidelity.

Compare that with:

• 35% of heterosexual women

• 32% of gay men

• 34% of lesbian women

• 30% of bisexual men

• 27% of bisexual women

Clearly, sexual jealousy wasn’t dominating the emotional response for most people—except straight men.

So why?

To answer that, researchers looked at two major factors: evolutionary psychology and modern gender norms.

The Evolutionary Explanation (A Very Old Fear)

From an evolutionary standpoint, jealousy once had survival implications—especially for men.

Before DNA testing existed, men could never be completely certain that a child they were helping raise was biologically theirs. Raising a child requires enormous time, energy, and resources, so—purely from an evolutionary perspective—investing in a child that wasn’t yours would have been a risky move.

Because of this, sexual infidelity represented a major threat. If a woman slept with another man, there was a chance her partner could unknowingly raise someone else’s child.

Viewed strictly through that lens, sexual jealousy made evolutionary sense.

Emotional Jealousy and the Fear of Abandonment

For women, evolutionary pressures looked different.

Historically, women were more vulnerable during pregnancy and child-rearing. Survival often depended on having a partner who stayed, provided protection, and offered resources.

From that perspective, emotional infidelity posed the bigger danger.
If a man fell in love with someone else, he was more likely to leave—emotionally and physically—placing the woman and her children at risk.

So emotionally speaking, love meant security. Losing emotional connection meant losing stability.

That’s why emotional jealousy hits harder for many women.

But Evolution Isn’t the Whole Story

While evolutionary psychology offers part of the explanation, it doesn’t fully account for jealousy in modern relationships. After all, we’re not living in caves worrying about lineage anymore.

This is where social conditioning and gender roles come into play.

Masculinity, Femininity, and Ego

In today’s world, masculinity is still heavily tied to sexual performance, confidence, and desirability.

So when a man’s partner sleeps with someone else, it often triggers deeper insecurities:

• Was I not good enough?

• Could I not satisfy her?

• What does this say about me as a man?

Sexual infidelity doesn’t just feel like betrayal—it can feel like an attack on identity.

For women, femininity is still strongly associated with emotional connection, nurturing, and bonding. So when a partner falls in love with someone else, it can shake the core of how a woman sees herself:

• Was I not emotionally enough?

• Did I fail to connect?

• Was I replaceable?

An emotional affair can feel like proof that the bond wasn’t as strong or special as believed—and that hurts deeply.

Important Reminder: This Isn’t Absolute

These findings do not mean:

• Men never feel emotional jealousy

• Women never feel sexual jealousy

Of course they do.

In fact, the study suggests multiple reasons why the opposite reactions happen all the time.

When Women Feel Sexual Jealousy

Women are also taught—explicitly and implicitly—that their value is tied to desirability. Beauty, sex appeal, and attractiveness are constantly emphasized.

So when a partner has sex with someone else, many women experience:

• A drop in self-esteem

• Body image insecurity

• Feelings of inadequacy

Sexual infidelity can trigger deep self-doubt and comparison, even if emotional attachment wasn’t involved.

Jealousy in Gay and Bisexual Relationships

The study found that among gay and bisexual participants, emotional jealousy tended to outweigh sexual jealousy.

One explanation researchers suggest is cultural normalization. Sexual openness and non-monogamy have historically been more visible in some LGBTQ+ communities, which may lead individuals to suppress or reinterpret sexual jealousy—while emotional betrayal still feels deeply threatening.

However, researchers acknowledge this area needs more exploration. Sexuality, identity, and relationship structures are complex, and jealousy doesn’t follow a single formula.

The One Thing Everyone Agrees On: Jealousy Is Brutal

Regardless of gender or orientation, one truth remains universal:

Jealousy sucks.

It doesn’t matter if:

• Your boyfriend liked a model’s photo on Instagram

• Your girlfriend is still close friends with her ex

• Your partner casually mentions a coworker one too many times

Jealousy is emotionally exhausting. It distorts reality, damages trust, and slowly eats away at relationships if left unchecked.

Is Jealousy Ever a Good Thing?

Surprisingly, a small amount of jealousy isn’t always bad.

Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher told CNN that jealousy can actually “wake you up.” It reminds you that your partner is desirable and that the relationship matters. In some cases, it motivates people to put in more effort—to be kinder, more attentive, and more engaged.

But there’s a fine line.

Healthy jealousy sparks awareness.
Unhealthy jealousy sparks control, resentment, and emotional chaos.

Should You Ever Make Your Partner Jealous on Purpose?

Here’s where things get… questionable.

Technically speaking, yes—jealousy can reignite attraction. Psychology supports that idea. Making someone feel slightly threatened can increase desire and attention.

Morally though?
That’s another story.

Intentionally making your partner jealous may work short-term, but it often damages trust long-term. Manipulation rarely leads to healthy intimacy.

So while science may give it a nod, your conscience probably shouldn’t.

Final Thoughts: Jealousy Is Human—But How You Handle It Matters

Jealousy doesn’t mean you’re weak.
It doesn’t mean you’re insecure beyond repair.
It means you’re human.

The real issue isn’t whether jealousy exists—it’s how you respond to it.

Understanding where jealousy comes from—biology, culture, ego, fear—can help you manage it without letting it destroy your relationship.

Because jealousy may be natural…
but letting it run your love life doesn’t have to be.